Month: January 2013

I John 4:9-10 // Relationology Wk 3

Date:  January 26-27, 2013
Series:  Relationology
Message: Marriage by Design
Passages:  Various

 

INTRODUCTION – 5 MINUTES

 

What are the best romantic movie lines?

 Leader note:  This should just be fun.  One way would be to read some from the list below and see if people can guess the movie.  Or you can just let people shout out the lines they remember. 

  • “You had me at ‘hello’” Jerry Maguire
  • “I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I’m with you”  Dirty Dancing
  • The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That’s what I hope to give you forever.”  The Notebook
  • “I love you. You… you complete me.” Jerry Maguire
  • “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”  When Harry Met Sally
  • “No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”  Gone with the Wind
  • ““Oh, it’s nobody’s fault but my own! I was looking up… it was the nearest thing to heaven! You were there…”  An Affair to Remember
  • “Love is not a feeling, it’s an ability.”  Dan in Real Life
  • “You make me want to be a better man.”  As Good as it Gets
  • “I will love you my whole life.  You and no other.”  Braveheart
  • “If I had one more night to live, I would want to spend it with you.”  Pearl Harbor

 

OBSERVATION – 20 MINUTES

 

Read the following passages.  What do you learn about God’s covenant love?

Leader note:  As your group members answer follow up with, “Where do you see that?”  Or, “What does that mean to you?” so that they can put it in their own words.  Others can jump into the discussion and help them define as they read it.  Remember this is a discussion, not one-on-one q&a. 

 

Jeremiah 31:3

  • Everlasting
  • Never fails
  • Draws, compels us towards it

Ephesians 1:4-5

  • Before love – He knew in advance- love for you was a before (before love), ugly, sad, good,  – it was decision He made
  • Brought us to Himself through Jesus
  • Gave him pleasure
  • God’s choice
  • Nothing we did, not based on what we do, no performance clause

 

Psalms 139:15-16

  • He knows me completely
  • Every choice, how long I’ll live,
  • I’m valuable
  • Created you – made your hair, your eyes, cute personality, your smile
  • He never hides from you, and you can’t hide from Him
  • God chose you and will continue to choose you no matter what
  • God choosing you is bigger than you choosing against Him

 1 John 4:9-10

  • Reveals His love
  • Gave up His only Son
  • Sacrificed Him for us
  • Loves me even when I don’t love Him back
  • God gave up someone He loves a lot, His son,
  • God’s love makes us alive
  • Even when others are mad, God still loves

 

 

UNDERSTANDING – 20 MINUTES

 

What is the difference between a contract and covenant?

Leader note:  Make a list of what you know about each – remember to look at the advantages and disadvantages of each.  There is a follow up question to remind you to do that. 

 

Contracts

  • Can be broken when one person doesn’t live up to their end
  • If this –  then that
  • Have to be agreed upon
  • Engage the service of people
  • Guaranteed by law
  • Expire
  • Performance based

 

Covenant

  • Eternal, Forever
  • Engage the people
  • Can’t be broken
  • Guaranteed by God
  • Everyone is included

 In relationships today, what are examples of contract thinking?

Leader note:  As you think about this question, consider contrasting God’s covenant love with all other views of love there are.  Some words that might get you thinking are “conditional” and “convenient”

  • Score keeping
  • I didn’t agree to this
  • You’ve changed, right to renegotiate – or leave altogether
  • You’re not living up to your end of the bargain
  • At work, lose job
  • Performance in sports – underperform can lose contract, over-perform renegotiate
  • Pre-nups
  • What I have to do/obligated
  • Entitled, it’s part of the deal

 

 

What’s good about contracts?

  • Security in contract
  • More clarity
  • Stick with something you might not otherwise
  • They are more convenient

 

What’s the bad part of covenant love?

 

  • Fear on covenant side – want credit, guilt themselves because they can’t give back
  • Guilt – self atonement
  • Can’t feel bad enough long enough

 

 

APPLICATION – 20 MINUTES

 

In your primary relationships where are you contract in your thinking?  Where are you “covenant” in your thinking?

 

Leader note:  For married couples, have them consider their own marriage.  If you think it will bring out more vulnerable and honest answers you can have the couples discuss this last question together.

 LIVE IT OUT

 

What would happen around us if we looked at all of our relationships as “covenant”?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

James 1:19-20, 3:3-9 // Relationology Wk 2

Date:  January 19-20, 2013
Series:  Relationology
Message:  Words With Friends
Passages:  James 1:19-20 and James 3:3-9

Life group leader teaching moment:

Remember, you cannot take people further than you are spiritually. You may be able to give them truth, but to direct and guide someone through spiritual growth or transformation you have to bring the truths through your own life first.  You can’t ask someone to do what you haven’t done – in other words, the messenger and the message are one in the same.  Jesus couldn’t just say – “you must lay down your life” without doing it Himself.  Jesus couldn’t just talk about serving or loving others, He had to live it first.  He was the messenger of an embraced message.  To bring your group members to the next level, you need to experience it first.

 

INTRODUCTION – 5 MINUTES

 

Who would you say are better listeners – men? Or women?   Why do you think that?

Important Leader note:  For this entire discussion, you want to protect married couples from finger-pointing, or taking these prompts to accuse one another.  Instead, keep the discussion general – you may even want to instruct your group to not include the relationships in the group at this point, but only those they’ve witnessed or understand to be true.

Leader note:  This should get a fun debate going regardless of the dynamics of your group.  The general consensus among women is that they are the best listeners, while men oftentimes think they listen better and women talk more.  What does your group think?

 

 

OBSERVATION – 20 MINUTES

 

Read James 1:19-20, 3:3-9

What do you learn can build or destroy relationships from the following passages?

 

Commentary:

James 1:19-20

Build-

  • Be quick to listen
  • Slow to speak
  • Be slow to anger (anger does not produce the righteousness God desires)

James 3:3-9

  • The tongue can build or destroy relationships, depending on how it is used.
  • The tongue is small part of the body, corrupts whole body set course on fire
  • Tongue is a restless evil
  • We praise with it and curse with it
  • Words- evil, hurt people, rudder of ship, Spark of fire

What are words, or ways words curse others?

Important Leader note:  For this entire discussion, you want to protect married couples from finger-pointing, or taking these prompts to accuse one another.  Instead, keep the discussion general – you may even want to instruct your group to not include the relationships in the group at this point, but only those they’ve witnessed or understand to be true.  (This is repeated on purpose)

 

Commentary:   Hurtful words, arrogant, unchecked, insulting, unwise, blaming, mean, misdirected, evil, selfish

 

UNDERSTANDING – 25 MINUTES

 

What are ways people have listened to you well?  How did that build your relationship?

Leader Note:   What you want to accomplish with this question is having your group see the value in listening.  These passages from James not only highlight the destruction of words, but the value and listening, that listening is critical to a relationship – just as much as avoiding cursing the other person, using hurtful or destructive words. It is definitely a both/and, don’t let your group focus on one side of the spectrum. It’s important that each person in your group shares a story of being listened to, that is how they will really understand the value of listening – involved listening, not casual listening.

  • Listening can be valuable even without giving advise (sometimes listening is more valuable than the advice)- felt understood
  • Being present…not speak, just pray for me, just be on my side
  • Asking great engaging questions shows compassion and caring
  • Listening is learning about the person, what is being said, how you feel, not giving advice, presence and full attention,
  • Listening is slow, takes time, understanding the person more than the issue, give appropriate response- not try and solve,
  • Nonverbal communication, empathetic, repeat what say that shows understanding.
  • Temptation is to making it about your experience and not helpful…makes about listener not hearer. Action can show support

 

What are ways people “cheapen” listening?  How does that destroy the relationship, or possibility of relationship?

Some sample answers:

  • When we have agendas, we listen only waiting for a way to turn the conversation to us, or our agenda.
  • We throw out cheap words, but don’t give you time.  We ask, “How are you?” but don’t wait for the answer, and hope the answer is “fine” so we don’t have to engage.
  • We multi-task in our heads while someone is talking, not giving them our full attention.
  • This destroys relationships because people don’t feel like you care, you may come across as arrogant, flippant, or like you don’t have time for them.
  • How do you feel when not listened to?

 

 

APPLICATION – 20 MINUTES

 

Where has the power of words lifted you up and built your relationship?

 

Leader note:  Try to have everyone answer this question to help them understand the power of affirming and words that bless.

  • Affirmations at birthdays
  • They ask question….do the next, care beyond the first “how are you?”
  • Someone saying I inspire them
  • A message left on a phone that they are grateful for me in their life.
  • Encouragement when I started a new job

 

When was a time you either cheapened listening, or used “cursing” words with someone?  How did you see it affect your relationship?

Leader note:  This is a good time for people to self-select if they need to apologize, especially if it is to a spouse, family member or someone in the group.  Don’t let it turn into blaming, calling each other out, or condemn, this is a time of confession and restoration.  Oftentimes people have said words without thinking about the harm they could cause, believing they were being helpful, or just honest.  Let them see the power of the words, regardless of the intent and restore the relationship with an apology. 

You may have someone who feels as though they’ve been dismissive in how they have listened to others, let them self-select and apologize. 

Leader note:  As a leader, consider how you listen to your group, do you listen with the next question in mind?  Asking a follow up question is a great way for you as a leader to show you are truly listening.  If you have caught yourself cheapening how you listen in your group you may want to go first on this question, confess and tell the group how you will listen as you move forward and what you expect to happen to your relationships because of this.

FOR BLENDED GROUPS:  Where do you want to be a better listener in your life and where do you want to use words to build up?

FOR COUPLES GROUPS ONLY:  Use this time to have couples affirm one another for times they have listened well or spoken words that built each other and their relationship.  You can do this in a group setting, or have each couple split off and talking only to one another. 

FOR MEN ONLY OR WOMEN ONLY GROUPS:  write words of affirmation for someone in your life, what are you going to do differently?  Ask, “What benefits are there if we listen well and use our words well?”

 

LIVE IT OUT

What does it look like if we were better listeners and use kinder words in our community, our city?

 

 

 

 

 

Galatians 5:13-26 // Relationology Wk 1

DATE:  JANUARY 12-13, 2013
SERIES:  RELATIONOLOGY
MESSAGE: IN LOVE, FOR LOVE
PASSAGE:  GALATIANS 5:13-26

 

introduction – 5 MINUTES

What keeps people from great relationships?

Leader note:  Let your group just throw out answers, they don’t need to take turns answering, just call out answers as they have them.  Some of those they may come up with:

  • Bad experiences
  • Baggage
  • Trust issues
  • Abandonment
  • Insecurity – or false security
  • Pride – don’t need people
  • Strongholds – control, porn, addictions
  • Prejudice – they’re different from…difference is bad
  • Time – relationships take time
  • Selfishness – all about me, person fulfills my sense of identity
  • Unhealthy, hurt, broken – tend to sabotage
  • Personality differences, extra vs. intra, stay at home vs. party
  • Bad models of good relationships
  • Inability to manage conflict
  • Dependency/Needy and independency

 

OBSERVATION – 20 MINUTES

READ GALATIANS 5:13-26.  What do YOU learn about relationships?

Leader note:  Take your time going through this passage, there is a lot of information in it.  As your group answers ask them, “where do you see that?”  Have them put it in their own words without changing the meaning.

  • Expression of freedom is to serve one another in love in relationship with one another –
    • Serve one another humbly  vs 13
    • Love your neighbor as yourself vs 14
    • Walking in the Spirit  vs 16
    • Purpose of the law – give us relationship, it is fulfilled as we love one another – (the law doesn’t offer relationship, just religion and systematic faith)
    • The law was inadequate
    • Spirit not inadequate – produces what you need, gives qualities, (love, peace, patience, joy…)
    • Walking in the spirit fights against selfishness which is the enemy
    • No limits to the fruit, whereas the law has a limit, (a cap) – certain things it can’t do
    • Can’t just man up – have to leave it to the power of the Spirit
  • Bad relationships bring death, devour – bite (speaks of appetite – when we indulge we get enslaved, but led by the Spirit there is true freedom.  v15)
  • True freedom is life in the Kingdom – God’s freedom
  • Spirit is at work to change our desires – Spirit and flesh at conflict with each other – polar opposites – can’t be brought together

Leader note: This passage offers interesting contrast between what it means to live by the flesh and by the law versus what it means to live by the Spirit.  The Law ultimately brings out the fact that we are incapable of “righteousness”.  Living under the law and by the flesh produces bondage and a sense of failure.  Walking by the Spirit brings freedom in that we are joined by a strength and grace found outside of our human efforts.  A Spirit-led life produces a whole new set of possible outcomes in our relationships with God, and with each other).

UNDERSTANDING – 20 MINUTES

 

What are things that sabotage relationships?

The list from verses 19-21

  • Sexual immorality
  • Anger
  • Envy
  • Selfishness
  • Adultery/pornography
  • Superstition/sorcery/spirit world
  • Dissentions of factions/”in” group vs. “out” group
  • Division/discord – gossip, criticize, resentment
  • Drunkenness
  • “other sins like these”

 

APPLICATION -20 MINUTES

Where have you allowed the flesh to sabotage your relationships?

What fruit might the Holy Spirit be developing in you?

Leader note:  At this point when people try to self-identify the fruit the Spirit might be developing, you and the group members can to help them.  Depending on your style you can gently press in, or have others try to help pinpoint what the Spirit is working on.

Leader note:  Follow up is important when your group members make any commitment for change, reconciliation, etc – have the person who has the gift of shepherding in the group handle the follow up with the group. It can be an email, or in person the next time your group meets.

 

Before we leave, have you done anything on the list that might be affecting your relationship with someone here? 

*You can soften the question by saying something like this, “Maybe you have said something you regret, or crossed over a boundary and you want to take a minute to clear it up with that person. Anyone need to apologize to anyone in the group?”

 

OPTIONAL EXERCISE:  JOURNAL FOR ONE WEEK, AND SEE WHAT THE SPIRIT IS DOING IN YOU AND WHERE YOU SEE ANY LOVE, JOY, PEACE, PATIENCE, KINDNESS, GOODNESS, FAITHFULNESS, GENTLENESS OR SELF-CONTROL BEING DEVELOPED IN YOUR LIFE.

 

LIVE IT OUT

 

If we were a group that lived less by the flesh and more by the spirit, WE WOULD SEE A DECREASE OF ______________ AND AN INCREASE OF _____________________.

 

 

Acts 2:42-47 // Walk Don’t Run

Date:  January 5-6, 2013
Passage:  Acts 2:42-47

 

This week we would like for you to take time as a group and set goals for this year.  Use the questions and Scripture below for this.  You may want to have a calendar where you can actually set dates for certain activities and events as you go through the year.  If you have someone with the gift of administration you can give them the task to take the notes and distribute them to the group.

 

INTRODUCTION – 5 MINUTES

Do you prefer individual or team sports?

Leader Note: This should be a fun and easy question for your group to answer. You may want to start out telling about your favorite type of sport and why you like either the individual aspects or team dynamics.

 

OBSERVATION – 20 MINUTES

Read Acts 2:42-47. What activities do you see the early believers participating in as a group?

Commentary from the passage:

  • They devoted themselves to the apostles teaching – studying Scripture
  • They devoted themselves to fellowship – and sharing meals (including communion)
  • They were devoted to prayer
  • They were in a deep sense of awe and they performed miracles and wonders
  • They met together, they shared everything they had
  • They were generous
  • They worshiped together at the Temple
  • They met in homes
  • They shared their meals with great joy and generosity
  • They praised God and enjoyed the goodwill of all the people
  • Each day the Lord added new believers to their fellowship

 

What did participating in those activities look like in their lives?

Leader Tip: Look at each activity and ask “What do you think it meant to devote themselves to studying Scripture?”

Leader note: It will be interesting to hear your group members answer what these activities would have meant to the early believers as it will reveal what they want from a life group. They will most likely talk about the activities that are important to them.

 

UNDERSTANDING – 15 MINUTES

Which of these activities have you experienced in your group? Which haven’t you?

Leader note: Go through the list that you made in the previous question about the early believers activities. As you go through them have your group highlight those that your group has experienced together. As they answer ask them what it has meant in their lives to experience those things. Make a special note of those things your group says they haven’t experienced as a group. As a leader you may want to see how you can work those activities into your group plan for the next year.

 

APPLICATION – 30 MINUTES

Which activities are you looking forward to as a life group? Which seem more challenging?

 

LIVE IT OUT

 What will be different in our community if we live the “Acts 2” church?

 

PRAY: End your group time together thanking God for bringing you all together to form a group as described in Scripture. Pray specifically for those areas your group highlighted that they wish were better within the group, and for opportunities to make the group stronger and to live out all aspects of Acts 2:42-47.