Date: January 19-20, 2013
Series: Relationology
Message: Words With Friends
Passages: James 1:19-20 and James 3:3-9
Life group leader teaching moment:
Remember, you cannot take people further than you are spiritually. You may be able to give them truth, but to direct and guide someone through spiritual growth or transformation you have to bring the truths through your own life first. You can’t ask someone to do what you haven’t done – in other words, the messenger and the message are one in the same. Jesus couldn’t just say – “you must lay down your life” without doing it Himself. Jesus couldn’t just talk about serving or loving others, He had to live it first. He was the messenger of an embraced message. To bring your group members to the next level, you need to experience it first.
INTRODUCTION – 5 MINUTES
Who would you say are better listeners – men? Or women? Why do you think that?
Important Leader note: For this entire discussion, you want to protect married couples from finger-pointing, or taking these prompts to accuse one another. Instead, keep the discussion general – you may even want to instruct your group to not include the relationships in the group at this point, but only those they’ve witnessed or understand to be true.
Leader note: This should get a fun debate going regardless of the dynamics of your group. The general consensus among women is that they are the best listeners, while men oftentimes think they listen better and women talk more. What does your group think?
OBSERVATION – 20 MINUTES
Read James 1:19-20, 3:3-9
What do you learn can build or destroy relationships from the following passages?
Commentary:
James 1:19-20
Build-
- Be quick to listen
- Slow to speak
- Be slow to anger (anger does not produce the righteousness God desires)
James 3:3-9
- The tongue can build or destroy relationships, depending on how it is used.
- The tongue is small part of the body, corrupts whole body set course on fire
- Tongue is a restless evil
- We praise with it and curse with it
- Words- evil, hurt people, rudder of ship, Spark of fire
What are words, or ways words curse others?
Important Leader note: For this entire discussion, you want to protect married couples from finger-pointing, or taking these prompts to accuse one another. Instead, keep the discussion general – you may even want to instruct your group to not include the relationships in the group at this point, but only those they’ve witnessed or understand to be true. (This is repeated on purpose)
Commentary: Hurtful words, arrogant, unchecked, insulting, unwise, blaming, mean, misdirected, evil, selfish
UNDERSTANDING – 25 MINUTES
What are ways people have listened to you well? How did that build your relationship?
Leader Note: What you want to accomplish with this question is having your group see the value in listening. These passages from James not only highlight the destruction of words, but the value and listening, that listening is critical to a relationship – just as much as avoiding cursing the other person, using hurtful or destructive words. It is definitely a both/and, don’t let your group focus on one side of the spectrum. It’s important that each person in your group shares a story of being listened to, that is how they will really understand the value of listening – involved listening, not casual listening.
- Listening can be valuable even without giving advise (sometimes listening is more valuable than the advice)- felt understood
- Being present…not speak, just pray for me, just be on my side
- Asking great engaging questions shows compassion and caring
- Listening is learning about the person, what is being said, how you feel, not giving advice, presence and full attention,
- Listening is slow, takes time, understanding the person more than the issue, give appropriate response- not try and solve,
- Nonverbal communication, empathetic, repeat what say that shows understanding.
- Temptation is to making it about your experience and not helpful…makes about listener not hearer. Action can show support
What are ways people “cheapen” listening? How does that destroy the relationship, or possibility of relationship?
Some sample answers:
- When we have agendas, we listen only waiting for a way to turn the conversation to us, or our agenda.
- We throw out cheap words, but don’t give you time. We ask, “How are you?” but don’t wait for the answer, and hope the answer is “fine” so we don’t have to engage.
- We multi-task in our heads while someone is talking, not giving them our full attention.
- This destroys relationships because people don’t feel like you care, you may come across as arrogant, flippant, or like you don’t have time for them.
- How do you feel when not listened to?
APPLICATION – 20 MINUTES
Where has the power of words lifted you up and built your relationship?
Leader note: Try to have everyone answer this question to help them understand the power of affirming and words that bless.
- Affirmations at birthdays
- They ask question….do the next, care beyond the first “how are you?”
- Someone saying I inspire them
- A message left on a phone that they are grateful for me in their life.
- Encouragement when I started a new job
When was a time you either cheapened listening, or used “cursing” words with someone? How did you see it affect your relationship?
Leader note: This is a good time for people to self-select if they need to apologize, especially if it is to a spouse, family member or someone in the group. Don’t let it turn into blaming, calling each other out, or condemn, this is a time of confession and restoration. Oftentimes people have said words without thinking about the harm they could cause, believing they were being helpful, or just honest. Let them see the power of the words, regardless of the intent and restore the relationship with an apology.
You may have someone who feels as though they’ve been dismissive in how they have listened to others, let them self-select and apologize.
Leader note: As a leader, consider how you listen to your group, do you listen with the next question in mind? Asking a follow up question is a great way for you as a leader to show you are truly listening. If you have caught yourself cheapening how you listen in your group you may want to go first on this question, confess and tell the group how you will listen as you move forward and what you expect to happen to your relationships because of this.
FOR BLENDED GROUPS: Where do you want to be a better listener in your life and where do you want to use words to build up?
FOR COUPLES GROUPS ONLY: Use this time to have couples affirm one another for times they have listened well or spoken words that built each other and their relationship. You can do this in a group setting, or have each couple split off and talking only to one another.
FOR MEN ONLY OR WOMEN ONLY GROUPS: write words of affirmation for someone in your life, what are you going to do differently? Ask, “What benefits are there if we listen well and use our words well?”
LIVE IT OUT
What does it look like if we were better listeners and use kinder words in our community, our city?